The essence of marriage is to share a common dream for the future. Knowing that the person we love is part of that future dream, that we will never be alone, is an incredibly reassuring feeling. In my opinion, this is the most valuable psychological aspect of marriage. On the other hand, sharing a common dream for the future, that is, having a partner join our future, quickly complicates things. Therefore, everyone struggles to protect their own dream, even at the cost of not getting along well with their spouse.

American psychologist Gay Hendrix argues that competition between spouses is the single trap that makes marriage complicated and difficult. From our cultural perspective, we see a power struggle rather than competition. The man fears his masculinity being compromised. The woman worries about being swept away by housework. Newly married couples fight a battle for survival in terms of gender roles. However, this battle is fought with ready-made tools they receive from society and, of course, their own parents. For some reason, no husband or wife admits this! Everyone claims to be trying to build their own unique dream and their own special marriage. Yet, it’s not as simple and easy as it seems.

We learned how to speak, walk, eat—in short, how to live—without even realizing it. How can we argue that we haven’t learned how to build a marriage? The vital thing is to question what you know, to know that you have much to learn, to be curious, and to be open to new discoveries. Couples whose conscious approach is strong and who can adapt to a shared vision of the future and daily life will have vibrant and enduring marriages.

 Each of us consciously thinks and says that we will not repeat the mistakes our parents made, in one way or another. As in everything else, the traps we encounter in marriage are things we’ve learned unconsciously, things we’ve pushed into our subconscious… What is unconscious, what we are not openly aware of, comes to the forefront of the marriage scene. But does this play have two authors? Is it a shared play by the married couple? Unfortunately, no! Often, one spouse tries to recreate an unresolved problem or series of problems from their own family of origin in their marriage with their spouse. The unconscious aim here is not, of course, to poison their spouse’s life. The aim is to overcome the problem that their parents couldn’t overcome. And it is precisely at this point that you find yourself so alienated that you ask, “Did I really marry this man/woman?!” This aim is always present in recurring cycles. However, the fact that something has become a cycle is itself a problem. What has become a cycle must be abandoned immediately, just like an old and tight skin…

Men who think their own fathers were very submissive try to be dominant. Women whose mothers truly oppressed their fathers often expect their husbands not to oppress them, but instead they oppress them. Men whose fathers were indifferent to their children try to make their fatherhood felt by interfering excessively in their children’s lives in one way or another. There are so many examples of this… As Dostoevsky said: “All happy families are alike. Unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.”